Only Place
by Sempai Sunny
Summary: Things Trigun Characters Should Never Say. the less said about this, the better.
1. Hope Never To Hear These Words

Sigh. I miss my friends. I'm holed up in my room doing my math homework, and, FINALLY, inspiration strikes. Missing my friends, from camp that is, has sent me in to thinking of things that I should never put in my fan fiction. I will accept flames from Pie, Ex-Smurfette, and Just Another Weasley on this because they are all going to go ballistic when they see I have quoted them and others. Well, flames will be accepted from other people, but those three are most justified. Disclaimers at the end. I promise. Oh, yeah, and I'm not making certain characters represent certain people. I'd run out of characters too fast. 

THINGS I PROMISE TO NEVER, EVER PUT IN MY FAN FICS!   
  


Vash: Wait, isn't this the same thing as what they did to China after they bombed Pearl Harbor? 

Meryl: Japan bombed Pearl Harbor, genius. 

Milly: ::cries:: I hate it when people bring that up... 

Legato ::pensively:: In perspective of... 

Meryl: ::to Milly just after Wolfwood*SPOILER WON'T TYPE IT*:: Imagine Knives Millions falling out a tenth story window after being stabbed to death by a dull plastic knife... 

(A/N: yeah, I know, it wasn't Knives, but for the sake of this, I changed it) 

Random Thomas: Moooooooooooooooooooo ::laughs hysterically:: 

Any Girl in Trigun: ::in cheerleading uniforms:: I'm sexy, I'm cute, I'm popular to boot! (etc) 

All Trigun characters: ::in a big circle, all having arms across each other's shoulders:: Bye, bye, Miss American Pie, drove my chevy to the levee but the levee was dry.... 

Milly: Daddy! ::glomps Wolfwood:: 

Wolfwood: ::slaps forehead:: Not again! 

Milly: Mommy! ::glomps Legato:: (Yes, I wrote Legato) 

Legato: Wha? Since when am I her mother? 

Milly: ::sternly, to Meryl:: But he's....Vash ::says Vash with air of disgust:: 

Milly: I HAVE SEXY GREEN FEET! 

Everyone else: O.O (O.O. for Vash!) 

Meryl: ::to eight teen-age girls, only one of whom is shorter than her:: Okay, girls, we're having the pizza in the snack bar after evening program. 

Girls: YAY! 

Girls: FARMER CHICKEN! 

Vash: ::blush:: 

Meryl: Not again.... 

Wolfwood: And what will you do if you catch people making out? 

Legato: We take Polaroid pictures of both of you... 

Knives: And send them to your parents and in-laws. 

Milly: O.O 

::Milly and Wolfwood both cover hickies on their necks with their hands:: 

Vash: ::bites into pierogi:: This pierogi is spicy! 

All at table: ::start intense pierogi dissection:: 

Milly: Ow! I stubbed my toe! I have to go to the nurse! 

Meryl: Have you guys noticed that she always stubs her toe on days she has to clear the table? 

Everyone else: ::nods:: 

Vash: ::drunk and singing:: Your father, your mother, your sister, your brother... 

Meryl: STOP SINGING THAT DAMN SONG! ::slaps him:: 

Legato: Hickory, dickory, dock... 

Legato: ::sings:: I'm a little teapot, short and stout.... 

Knives: ::in a monotone, droning on:: And genetic engineering is wrong because.... 

Knives: ::still in monotone, acting as a teacher:: Okay. Since there are less boys than girls, in this class, the boys can pick. Vash? 

Vash: I'll work with Meryl. 

Meryl: Damn. 

Milly: Oh, look, there goes Vash running in the rain. 

Meryl: That's probably the first shower he's had in two weeks... 

Meryl: I spent seven hours coloring those stupid cell diagrams! SEVEN HOURS! 

Vash: Wow. I spent fifteen minutes doing that. 

Meryl: I hate you. 

Milly/Meryl/Dominique: ::singing:: Why do you build me up, Buttercup baby, just to let me down... 

Milly/Meryl: Hey Mickey, you so fine, you so fine, you blow my mind, hey Mickey! Hey Mickey! 

Meryl: YOU JUST HAD TO TAKE A PICTURE, DIDN'T YOU??? FOR ONCE IN MY MISERABLE LIFE I WAS HAPPY AND YOU HAD TO GO AND RUIN IT BY TAKING A PICTURE!!! ::runs off and cries:: 

Knives: Okay, by a show of hands, who wants Vash back? 

::no one raises their hand except Wolfwood:: 

Knives: Okay, Vash, you're still banned from here. 

Wolfwood: ::on unicycle, juggling Angel Arm, Cross Punisher, Stun Gun, and a Derringer:: Skinny German Juggle Boy! 

Wolfwood: I love that hair flip thing that girls do. 

::Dominique and Milly flip their hair:: 

Wolfwood: I love that! 

::Meryl deep throats a twizzler:: 

Meryl: ::looking at insanely long water ride lines:: You know, by the time we get on any of those water rides, we're going to have to go home. 

::Knives, Vash, and Wolfwood are all asleep in a room they share with Legato. Alarm clock is going off:: 

Legato: ::runs into room:: Oh shit. ::slams door and yells:: YOU GUYS KNOW THAT WE HAVE TO BE IN CLASS IN LESS THAN FIFTEEN MINUTES, RIGHT? 

::Knives, Vash, and Wolfwood look at him, bleary-eyed, not understanding a word of what he just said:: 

Milly: YOU ATE ALL MY GOLDFISH! 

Meryl: Yup. 

Vash: ::on stage, with a microphone:: Because of time constraints, I can only sing three verses of this song. ::looks around at people who are giving him dagger looks:: Oh, and anyone who wants to sing along can join in. 

Legato: ::to Milly:: You shouldn't speak to your mother like that! (A/N: If you missed the whole point of this, reread it) 

Vash: ::chatting with random guy on the Internet:: This guy says morphene is better than sex. 

Meryl: Oh? 

Vash: But, he wouldn't know, since he's a virgin. 

Vash: ::still chatting with same guy:: I've just taken away his sex privileges. 

Legato: Why should he care if he's a virgin? 

::everyone hugging and crying and saying "see you in 49 weeks!":: 

Meryl: Ben and Jerry's ice cream is the world's most perfect food. 

Milly: CHOCOLATE FIX! 

Milly/Meryl/Dominique: ::singing:: So kiss me and smile for me 

Vash: I thought I said if I heard that damn song one more time.... 

Wolfwood: We know. You'd kill them. 

Legato: ::sings:: LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN! 

Legato: I'm supervising. They'll let me get away with it. 

Meryl: ::dancing around her room and singing, using a hairbrush as a microphone:: I'm blue da ba dee da ba die 

Vash: That's not cool... 

Meryl: ::slaps him:: Stop saying that. You're getting everyone else to say it. That's not cool. 

Vash: Like you, for instance? 

Meryl: ::slaps him again:: 

::Milly sits on the steps of a building taking pictures of every person who walks past her:: 

Knives: Hey! Look! ::points at Legato's car:: 

Meryl: So? 

Legato: ::leans out window:: HI! 

Knives: ::chases car:: GIMME A RIDE! ::pulls open door and jumps in car:: 

Legato: ::sighs:: Meryl, you want one too? 

Meryl: We're going to the library. 

Legato: The library's RIGHT THERE! ::points at building ten feet away and slaps Knives:: 

Knives: Give me a ride anyway. 

Meryl: ::eating gummy fruit salad:: This stuff's addictive. What'd you put in it? Crack? Meth? 

Dominique: No. That's just how it is. 

Meryl: Okay. ::finishes bag:: Got anymore? 

::everyone eating gummy fruit salad:: 

Meryl: HEAR YE HEAR YE! EVERYONE TAKE OUT WHATEVER FOOD YOU HAVE LEFT OVER AND WE'LL HAVE A PARTY! 

Wolfwood: The menu for tonight's dinner is-- 

Everyone else: Chicken or Manicotti. 

Wolfwood: How'd you know? 

Meryl: Has anyone seen Milly? 

Dominique: She's out with Nick. 

Meryl: Like I said, has anyone seen her? 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Maybe I'll add to the madness. Depends on whether or not I'm still alive after posting this... 

Disclaimers: I don't own Trigun, Bring It On, "Hey Mickey", "Blue", "American Pie", "Build Me Up Buttercup", or anything else I might have stolen. I do own some of the quotes, though my friends own the rest. ^_~. R&R and maybe I'll come up with more madness! 


	2. Egad! Thou Shalt Not....

Well, due to the *mass appeal* of my first list of "Things I Promise Never To Put In My Fanfics" I shall add one (Kel-kins---all for you!)

Not owning Trigun---ever! Also not owning songs sung, other shows mentioned, anything parodied, and random things said by people other than me...

****

Things Thou Shalt Not Make Trigun Characters Say

Knives: ::sings:: I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts!

Milly: Mailbox, will you marry me? (A/N: this is a reference to my good friend Pie's poem "Ode to My Mailbox")

Milly: ::cluelessly:: I'm milking a goat? ::shrugs::

Meryl: And bachelor number two....

Vash: Do ya like my Ninja Turtles sheets?

Meryl: ::singing, karaoke style:: If you really want me and you think I'm sexy....

::Wolfwood does the Macarena::

Legato: Hi Barbie!

Dominique: Hi Ken!

Legato: Wanna go for a ride?

Dominique: Sure Ken! ::sings:: I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world!

Knives: ::sings:: I wish I were an Oscar Meyer wiener. That is what I truly want to be. 'Cause if I were an Oscar Meyer wiener, everyone would be in love with me!

Vash: Forget the donuts! Gimme a mocha latté and a glazed kruller.

Wolfwood: I've never been to church in my life....

Knives: I'm writing a story about an elephant! It goes on an adventure, and the story's in FRENCH!

Milly: ::serenades Wolfwood:: Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?

Legato: ::sings:: Polly put the kettle on, kettle on, kettle on, Polly put the kettle on, we'll all have tea!

Milly/Meryl: Miss Mary Mack, Mack, all dressed in black, black, black, with silver buttons, buttons, buttons (etc)

Vash: BURN! (a la Kelso from That 70's Show)

::Wolfwood watches Madonna's _Like a Prayer_ video(you know, the one where she burns crosses?)and sets fire to his cross::

Knives: Farewell, cruel world! ::falls two feet, succeeding in only scraping his knee::

Vash: If music be the food of love, play on

Vash: ::a la Patrick from Ten Things I Hate About You:: You're just too good to be true, can't take my eyes off of you.

Meryl: Oh Kami, not again.

Legato: ::sings:: Things are seldom what they seem. Skim milk masquerades as cream.

Knives: I kill dragons to save the people. No, wait, I kill snakes to save the birds. No, that's wrong...I kill...Line?

Milly: I saw exactly five minutes of Lord of the Rings.

Legato: That's because the rest of the movie, you were making out with Wolfwood.

Milly: ::blush:: I WAS NOT!

Milly: DIE!

Midvally: I'm taking up flute.

Kaite: I can make this whole room self destruct.

Elizabeth: I tried out to play Joy in Pokémon, but they rejected me because all the guys drooled after me, not just Brock.

Chapel: Like my colored contacts?

Loose Ruth: Damn it, just give me the $$60 billion!

Descartes: I was National Boomerang champion from 1990 to 1998!

Milly: Then ::giggle:: he asked me to ::giggle:: eat them with him! ::giggles hysterically::

Vash: Goldfish have a memory span of three seconds.

Wolfwood: You have a memory span of three seconds.

Milly: So, Mr. Vash is a goldfish?

Milly: Senpai, what does senpai mean?

Meryl: Hell if I know! You're the one who calls me that!

Knives: I kill the crocodiles to save the piranhas? (If that makes no sense, reread it)

::Knives and Legato do roller disco::

Milly: Senpai! Come here! Horseshoe crabs are eating my pajamas!

::Vash reads Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus while Meryl is dressed in a black teddy and ready to knock him over the head with a 2-by-4::

Wolfwood: I'm a pedofile.

Milly: You're obsessed with feet?

Milly: ::holding pudding carton:: Who eats this stuff? Look at what's in it!

Knives: Okay, okay, I admit it! I loved Rem! I miss her!

Rem: Go ahead. Kill someone. See if I care.

Wolfwood: Would you....eat them with me?

Milly: ::who thought he was going to ask her something else:: Hell no! ::slaps him::

Legato: ::playing with Dominique's chair:: Your chair makes a sexy noise.

Dominique: I know. You've told me that a million times.

Legato: ::to Dominique:: You wanna sit on my lap?

Vash: ::plucks petals off a flower:: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not....

::Meryl is acting all sweet and nice::

Vash: I guess she found her Midol, huh?

Milly: Yup. It was in her typewriter case.

Knives: Let's play Spin the Bottle! ::spins it and it lands on Legato:: Pucker up, Bluesummers!

Wolfwood: I think Meryl must be my long lost sister...

Milly: ::glomps Wolfwood:: Hi Daddy!

Wolfwood: ::to Legato:: She still thinks I'm her father.

Legato: ::as Milly glomps him:: And that I'm her mother. (A/N: read the last set over)

Milly: ::to Vash and Meryl:: Thou shalt not argue before breakfast. It's in the bible.

Wolfwood: No it's not.

Milly: Well, it should be!

(hehe...watched a Little House on the Prairie marathon today!)

::Milly, Meryl, Dominique, and Elizabeth all fawning over Vash::

Meryl: ::stands on tiptoes:: Okay, now I'm tall enough to go on this ride!

Wolfwood: ::kisses Milly::

Milly: EW! Cigarette breath!

Legato: ::to Vash in episode 24:: Why are you holding a gun to my head?

Legato: Mmm....ice pops (a la Homer from The Simpsons)

Vash/Wolfwood: ::sing:: I get knocked down, but I get up again!

Knives: What do spiders and butterflies have to do with Trigun?

Dominique: I could have killed you at least three times by now, but I won't, because I have an optometrist appointment in fifteen minutes!

Vash: I have a problem. There are these two girls who have been following me for over two years. My brother is sending people out to kill me, including a man who has become my best friend. Oh, and I'm a plant.

Meryl: This was supposed to be a company vacation. Instead, it's been a trip of heart ache, rejection, and regret! (a la Kiyone from Tenchi Muyo)

Milly: Do you like Vash?

Wolfwood: And the Lord spake unto Abraham...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Okay, it's not as long as the previous one, but hey, it's still weird, random, and adds a chapter to the Worst Trigun Fic Ever!


End file.
